Space?

“Time to put a new blog post, Missy,” Deb said over dinner and wine last week. “You should write about space. That would be an excellent topic for you.” I asked her, “Like Outer Space?” Maybe that’s why she suggested the topic, because I couldn’t even wrap my head around the word. She thought I needed to explore the idea and see where it leads. We both know that writing is a thread from a word to enlightenment. And she’s probably right. She usually is, so I normally just go ahead and do what she tells me to. 

Buying a house in Tennessee was meant to solve my space problem. Like most other people in the world, Nick and I started feeling hemmed in last year. The walls of our postage stamp Burbank lot closed in on us, the neighbors were too close for comfort, we didn’t have enough elbow room. We were all trapped in the house together, Nick, Omar and me. I was losing it. “We have to get out of here,” we kept repeating all through 2021. 

And sure enough, we did find the breathing space that we so desired in Franklin, Tennessee. In September, we bought a small seventies brick ranch on half an acre of land in a suburban neighborhood outside of Nashville. The neighbors are not on top of us and no one needs a fence, so the place feels wide open and spacious. We are surrounded by plenty of trees and grass and sky and air. Lots of nature, even though we are close to the city. Life is slower there. People move slower, talk slower, drive slower. We both felt a sense of relief. The winter months, however, were slightly less ideal. I had sort of forgotten about winter back East until the middle of January when the temperatures started to drop and the rain, snow and sleet began to fall. Through most of January and February, the only thing to do was to hunker down in front of the fire and wait for the cold weather to pass. 

Nick and I were trapped in the house together for weeks on end, trying to get the electrician to run power to the large shed out back which will eventually serve as Nick’s office. He tried sequestering himself in the back bedroom to make his phone calls and do his podcast interviews, but I could hear him from every corner of the house, quoting the same lines over and over and laughing at his own jokes. So, even in Tennessee I felt closed in, if for different reasons. Was it physical space that I desired? If so, I mean, do I have to move to the middle of nowhere all by myself to get it?

Or is it a different sort of space that I need? Is space room? Is it quiet? Unscheduled time? I mean, what the hell is space really? Okay, I just decided to look it up. Google tells me that space is “a continuous area or expanse which is free, available, or unoccupied.” Or it’s “the distance from other people or things that a person needs in order to remain comfortable.” Perhaps the space I need is not the free, available, unoccupied area, but that distance from other people or things. Personal space?

But that kind of space is scary. I guess the word, for me, is related to the idea of being alone. Like I have written about before, I am in the habit of keeping busy, having people around me, lots of activity, lots of people needing my help, full days of activities on my calendar. To distract me from myself. Why do I need to distract myself from myself? If I let myself slip, get lazy and forget to practice a solid spiritual program, I’m a danger to myself. I’m very mean to myself. And when I’m not focused outward, I turn in on myself with judgement and condemnation. That’s painful.

I told Deb that, while I was in Tennessee, every night after I turned out my bedside light, I lay awake and reviewed the ways I had messed up that day. I ate sugar, I drank too much wine, I didn’t exercise, I wasn’t nice to my husband, I didn’t write, I obsessively searched for furniture on Facebook Marketplace, I’m fat, I said yes when I meant no… Then my thoughts progressed to I’m never going to be happy, what were we even doing in Tennessee, I didn’t visit my mom enough, I should call my sisters more, I was a shitty mother and I can’t go back and change it… These are the thoughts that I run from all day long. While I imagined myself with so much “space” in Tennessee, I really just behaved the same way I behaved in California, running full-bore from the moment my feet touched the ground in the morning to the time I fell in bed exhausted.

I should take lessons from Nick. He is a master at creating personal space. He has his “office” where he can find physical solitude. But actually, he can find solitude in a room full of people. He’s always in his own head and has to practically be pulled out of there. I have a hard time finding solitude if anyone is in my vicinity at all. Is space a mental or psychological concept?

I was thinking about space yesterday during warm-up in dance class. We do a set warm-up, the same movement every single class, which means I could do the choreography in my sleep. There are a few moments while my body is moving that my mind is free to wander. I said to myself, “Wow, Leslie, look how your focus is outward during this warm-up.” I look at myself in the mirror to make sure I’m doing the movement correctly and to the best of my ability, but I also look at the other dancers in class. I note their mistakes, their weird expressions, their foibles. I wave hello to the people who come in late. I notice if the air conditioning is off. I see the mailman come in and set his mail on the desk. I notice Hama has a new shirt with tigers printed on it… So, even during an isolated activity, I am not holding my personal space. I am looking around at others, absorbing their energy, letting their stuff slosh all over mine. Also, I am beginning to realize how sensitive I am to other people’s energy. My 12-Step friends would tell me to set some boundaries.

I’m going to do an experiment this weekend. I’m going to spend some time by myself. Nick is out of town so I have the whole house to myself. I have dance class on Saturday and a College Roommates Zoom call on Sunday. Otherwise, I will spend a nice, quiet weekend focusing inward. I will try to give myself the space I have been craving. I will resist the urge to book back-to-back activities, I won’t spend hours on the phone, I won’t distract myself with shopping or cooking or cleaning or bingeing Netflix shows. I’ll leave room in my weekend for rest and reflection, prayer and meditation, just some quiet time. I’ll get back to my writing routine. I’ll do all the things that help me be a grounded and happy person. I will create space! If I fall back into my old habits of berating myself, I know what to do.

You guys must be rolling your eyes right now, thinking, “God, is she ever going to learn?” I complained to my Compassionate Communication group the other day, “Do I need to practice several programs for the rest of my life in order to be a healthy and happy person?” The answer is YES. Left to my own devices, I run around like a chicken with my head cut off, going from one activity to another, one person to another, one chore to another. If I don’t learn to make space in my day to take care of myself… Well, you’ll have to listen to a lot more complaining in future blog posts! Wish me luck.